Dani is here and Atlanta is burning
Ashley went AWOL because her "husband" is a fucking freak
🤸MERCH COMING SOON🚨
There is an epidemic of midmen in this country. And weirdos named Matt. and Constipated No-neck Brian.
Pictured on the left, is Brie cheese. bomb in a grilled cheese.
You can keep the bathtub of doc martens
I wonder what closet Playdo is in
this dude thinks he is fucking Professor Quirrel
Bruh
ALERT: this is important please read
A google form will be made shortly to allow and encourage submissions of coffee places, and suggested drinks. When its up, get on that shit. The Doctor digs dirty chai with oat milk, Madam drinks the tears of Alabama misfortunes and pursuits but loves xxx, Maximus (yes always fucking italicized for anything involving him) makes quick work of xxx, and Gelato devours a hot mocha because chaos reigns in all areas but the coffee order.
Wholly Unpaid Staff:
Madam Composure
The original Alt Ex Girlfriend, she has a voracious love of life and distaste for meat. Feared by mid men since the prophecies foretold of her birth back in 12 BC, she is the embodiment of fuck around and find out, and "first of all, how dare you". every day is pretzel day.
Dr. Dani Marten
Our beloved in house Atlantian. i personally witnessed her roundhouse an eggplant parm mere minutes into arriving in New Haven.
Let her cook.
She once had a lizard though, i have no idea what happened to it. A wee snaw mystery.
The Gelato 5000
The newest model, and entirely upgradable, the Gelato5000 . Seen here looking like a fucking idiot in the modern myspace bathroom photo, he spends his time driving to and from Nyc and Boston, dodging electrocution like baby daddies with their children on Maury, and trying to decipher whether pigeons really are real. Lemme get an egg n cheese on poppy with tomato and hot sauce.
Threat Level: Maximus
Proof that there are good men, for he is the silliest cattle rancher in all of New Britain. A avid Bre fan, he enjoys photography, demolishing the patriarchy, Boston, and long walks from ya mothers house, fuck ya life. This man can in fact say the alphabet backwards, and knows every ingredient in dry shampoo. Despite being the calmest cucumber, loves Incendiary, and honestly fair because they kill it.
bRiANIrawrxxx Album Release
NEW BRITAIN: Fresh off their 2022 EP, "I can't believe I fell through the floor onto my vagina and it survived", comes bRiANIrawrxxx's newest WonderYears/NotjazzbecauseofDani/Iwould hatefucktoSwitchfoot masterpiece, "I can never go back to Atlanta because of my crippling codependency". Widely regarded to be a well tracking sophomore effort, this eclectic work will be yodeling, hooting and hollering all across WRX's with a functioning head gasket by February 2024.
You can find us at Your moms house,
bing bong,
fuck ya life
if you see your pitbull collars around my mattress, just know im movin out real fast n goin hard